Thursday, February 09, 2012

Life-changing events

There's this TV show called "The Middle" where the teenage character Axl Heck has an school-assignment where he has to write an essay on an event or situation that was "life-changing" for him. Of course, it turned out that Axl was so shallow that he had to copy virtually verbatim an essay his much smarter younger brother did on another subject entirely.

Axl Heck in his boxers, the main reason I watch "The Middle".

While I am not similarly afflicted with such shallowness, the obstacle that comes to mind for writing such an essay about myself is rather sheer pathos. The life-changing event that comes to mind for me is a poignant symbol of what an utter dribble-glass my social life as an adult has been to date. This event was being forced to realize at the end of attending college that the venal little fools of the "PC" college-campus scene were never really my friends and that they weren't going to effect any sort of change upon our troubled society.

The reason I threw in my social lot with those little cretins in the first place is because my fantasies of what my life would be in college turned out to be, well, nothing more than mere fantasies. So I did what a lot of ignorant young losers with no imagination did and associated with other ignorant young losers with no imagination. But such people are often very neurotic and turn their coats upon one another at the drop of a hat. Any hat. Of course, I eventually found myself at the receiving end of such treatment.

I can look back at it now and recognize that it was spiritually necessary for me to be separated from that whole dysfunctional, constricting scene. After all, I had the potential to be something better than that, even if I wasn't that much of an improvement over those people in my current form of the time. But what was life-changing was not so much the social dissociation from the denizens of the PC scene as it was the disillusionment with myself. I was forced to realize that everything I imagined myself to be was just more fantasy-notions I had cooked up in the kitchen of my ego-imagination. When those notions were dispelled, I found out there really wasn't very much of substance holding together and coordinating the disparate pieces of myself. One of the reasons I became insulin-resistant and then diabetic relatively early on was because there was nothing left for me except staying trapped in isolation in a spiritually and physically unhealthy life.

So if you would have any insight into why I can be so casually pessimistic in my evaluation of society's and humanity's future, this is should provide you with some. I have done myself disservices by kidding myself with codependent fantasy-notions that the real world would never facilitate or validate, so much so that I have developed something of an allergy to doing that. Having been such a huge loser has made me averse to loserish non-solutions to society's problems. When I look back at my own life and see how some consistent honesty with myself would have benefitted my personal development, I can't help but want to look at the world in which I live, as well as myself at this time in my life, with the same sort of point-blank honesty.

The challenge in that is refrain from losing your mind upon conceiving just how fucked up everything else is. And that necessarily must start with ceasing to cultivate more codependent nonsense. My honesty forces me to realize that I failed to apply myself consistently to that project in the closing years of the previous decade. So that means it behooves me in the opening years of this new decade to make this a priority.

There were other things too besides what I'm relating in this one little blog-post. But to what it all boils down is that things might have been different for me had I refrained from looking at the world around me through such thick gauze of fantasy-notions. It logically follows that I just don't want to indulge that error anymore.